By wistful
Date: 2004 Aug 02
Comment on this Work
[[2004.08.02.18.40.29953]]

Endings

We sit here and talk of endings
But you have already left
With such relief that the regret seems hollow
Though you cry with the loss you impose on yourself

I will cycle through the grief
through anger, pain and resolve

You so passionately avow your desire for me
to remain in your life as you push me away.
You see the duality, but you fall victim
to your own patterns of retreat
So afraid you are wrong to step away
Yet unable to stop running.

The right thing for me, you proclaim
mantra mantra... repeat it until it feels true.

The right thing for me, I say
was you as you could have been, but not as you are.
So sad, the potentialities never realized

I can cry for that.

I cannot stop loving you even so
I cannot stop the tears

You say that leaving should be easier than being left
But you hurt you hurt you hurt you.
I say the purposeful severing of such a beautiful flow
Hurts everyone.

You wish you were stronger, you wish you were clearer,
you wish you knew that your love for me was worth
breaking old habits, learning new skills,
trying when it seemed insurmountable.
But it's not enough. You are too scared.
You have to stop the fear and so
you stop the only thing that could heal it.

I cry for that.

Hide in your busy-ness, your business,
Hide in yourself.

Thank you for telling me things I know
about my own worth
in order for you to feel that you rob me of nothing
as you go.
But I was so willing to give you so much,
even knowing it is your inability to receive it
does not make the rejection less painful.

There are too many "if only"s here.
A feast of empty calories.
Retching, rolling, regret.
Revulsion.
Too bad your peace cost me mine.
Self-preservation, or selfish?
All a matter of perspective.

If the duration of my pain
proves the nature of my love
You may not hear from me for quite some time.
Weary, worn, weathered.
Please stop beating me.
And I'll try not to beat myself.
cut cut cut
cut you out
excise this demon lover
gather the pieces together
and stitch it back
So many pieces;
this one will take a while.