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By Laredo Date: 2001 Jul 24 Comment on this Work [[2001.07.24.09.35.32759]] |
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You scared me and you still do. I am frightened of the way I feel for you - I am frightened of the way that you feel for me. I am frightened that we may never get that back - I am frightened that we will. I am frightened that we may try and that we may fail. I am frightened that if you ever look into my eyes again - you will still see how much I feel for you. I am frightened that you will care - I am frightened that you won't. The complicated song that I had you copy for me says my feelings perfectly. I want to pull you close - I want to push you away. It's so complicated. I am frightened that you will wake up one day and realize that I am a horrible nasty person who deserves to die and rot in hell. I am frightened that you will never realize that and only I will. I am frightened that I will never be normal and that I will let you down again. I am frightened that I am losing my optimism and my joy in life. I am frightened to think that I may never be happy again. I am frightened that I had happiness for 7 months and I gave it away because of my own fears. I am frightened that I may never ever be the girl that I once was. I am frightened that I am just a scared lost person who hasn't lived an honest day in her life. I am frightened because the only joy that I seem to have is with children and God takes them away from me - punishment maybe? I don't know. Most of all I am frightened of the things that I have done to you - I am frightened that you are still here - not because you have to be - but because you choose to be. I am frightened. I am frightened. I am frightened about what I will find when I am forced to look inside of myself. I am frightened that through all of this I may learn to like myself - because I don't ya know? I really don't and I never have. I am frightened that the only person who truly knows me is married with 2 kids and lives the perfect life in suburbia. I am frightened that I may come to the conclusion that he is all that I want and that he won't have me. I am frightened that for the past 7 months I was talking about him leaving me and hurting me - that I was really talking about myself. About what I knew I would do to him - as much as I tried not too. I am frightened that he is the only one I can talk to and that he may not want to listen. I am frightened that he does want to llisten. I am frightend that I chose to hurt him and our reletionship - instead of taking the chance on us that he was willing to make. |